Coming soon... The Omnipresent Beer Festival
The following article is based on the customer feedback forms from the festival programme. We thought we ought to prove we do read them and treat them with the required degree of seriousness. Not all comments are included in this article. Those that are direct quotes are shown in italics.
The topics that provoked most comments this year were the location of Victoria Hall, transport and related issues. Examples include What do you dislike about the festival?: "Too far from the bus stop.", "It's a long way from Leeds." "Getting there.", "Train fares." and "Weather." What do you like about the festival?: "Location" appeared several times. In response to this contradiction, the beer festival committee has decided that next year's Keighley Beer festival will be the first ‘Omnipresent beer festival‘. This is based on the definition of omnipresent as ‘present everywhere at the same time, as though all-enveloping.‘
The committee did consider having the first ‘Tardis Beer Festival‘ but this was rejected on a number of grounds. The main disadvantage is that wherever the Tardis lands, there is always some form of trouble, often involving Daleks. While fighting something nasty in a big tin can who goes round saying ‘You will be amalgamated.&lsquo is something CAMRA does, and does well, trouble is a different issue. A ‘Tardis Beer Festival‘ would have some benefits: being of infinite size on the inside, it would help to accommodate those who complained "Needs more seating." and "Music bit loud.", "Too popular" (the assumption here is too busy) and "A bit less onion smell in the eating area.". (Rationing of onion smell is being seriously considered for all future festivals.)
But these benefits would be offest by the obvious problems: It would be difficult to clear an infinitely large hall at closing time, and enough people had difficulty finding the toilets as it was: "The gents is a bus ride away from the main hall.", "wooden-clad corridors on the way to the toilet - scary." Besides there were a quite a number of comments about good atmosphere and venue, so we are reluctant to change to the fifth dimension.
Becoming the Omnipresent beer festival retains many of Victoria Hall (and its location‘s) good points: "Great building, great beer", "It‘s near my brother‘s house.", "It allows me to visit Netto across the road, normally I wouldn't bother as it‘s too far." and being omnipresent would also make it handy for Sainsburys and Asda. There could however be a problem with Tescos as we‘re not sure what happens when two omnipresences meet.
It would also partially deal with the "bus to station", "No chuffing mini-bus from station." but difficulties on how to make any bus chuff have been noted - may have to get the Keighley and Worth Valley Railway involved there.
Ominpresence has one further advantage: it implies being at every time as well as in every place. This allows us easily to satisy the demands "Have two a year." (We already do, the other is in Skipton.) and "open earlier." We are not sure if it solves Like: "Venue & location and hubby takes me for a curry - yippee." - dislike: "Having to share a double bed with my hubby." but should cope with dislike "I missed the cooperage display."
One imporvement suggested by a member of our own committee was "Improved public transport information" but we have put this down to sour grapes as he is a train driver, and trains wouldn‘t be required if the festival were omnipresent.
It was suggested we go omnipotent as well but that is just silly. We don‘t need to go that far as most issues can be tackled in other ways. Besides there is a perception (not substantiated) among the committee that omnipotence and grumpiness go together so we may still have "Some grumpy bar staff." Most comments about staff were actually positive "Beer choice/ friendly staff/ venue (spacious)" and "Great atmosphere and friendly staff." so let‘s keep it that way.
Two improvements(?) the committee have no intention of instigating are "Naked bar maids" (and this complainant also wanted the hall to be cooler!) and "Strip show once every hour". The thought of some CAMRA members without any clothes on would put too many people off their beer. We‘re also puzzled by Dislike: "loud laughing."
Finally, a couple of items of feedback that did give the committee real concern were: Likes "The glitter ball", and the vote for beer of the festival for a beer that was never there.
